Parenting never really ends, does it? It just changes shape. When your child with ADHD reaches adulthood, especially in their early 20s, you’re faced with a whole new set of challenges and opportunities. They’re no longer necessarily under your roof, but they still need your support, maybe even more than before. The most important thought to keep in your mind is that it is ALL about your relationship and keeping that connection. Here’s what else you need to know as you navigate this new phase together.
1. ADHD Doesn't Disappear with Age
First and foremost, understand that ADHD is a lifelong condition. Just because your child is now 23, it doesn’t mean the struggles of ADHD have magically vanished. They may still struggle with focus, time management, impulsivity, and emotional regulation, but these challenges now play out in different arenas, like work, relationships, and managing their own household.
Example Challenge: Your adult child might consistently forget to pay their bills on time, leading to unnecessary stress and financial penalties. They may have trouble keeping a job due to disorganization or struggles with meeting deadlines. This can be frustrating to witness, but it’s a reminder that ADHD is still very much a part of their daily life.
Your Role: Be patient and recognize that these struggles are not a reflection of their maturity or willpower. Offer support by discussing strategies that can help, such as setting up automatic payments for bills or breaking down large tasks into smaller, manageable steps.
2. The Importance of Executive Function Skills
Executive function skills are the mental processes that allow us to plan, focus, remember instructions, and juggle multiple tasks successfully. These skills are often underdeveloped in individuals with ADHD, making adult responsibilities feel overwhelming.
Example Challenge: Your child might struggle with planning out their week or even just a day, leading to last-minute panic or forgotten commitments. They may intend to get groceries, clean the apartment, and prepare for a work presentation, but find themselves unable to start or complete any of these tasks.
Your Role: Encourage them to use tools like planners, to-do lists, or apps designed to assist with time management. Discuss the benefits of routines and help them set realistic goals. A weekly phone call to check in on their plans for the week could be a supportive way to stay connected without being overbearing.
3. Emotional Regulation is Still a Challenge
Emotional dysregulation is a common issue for people with ADHD, and it doesn’t just go away with age. Your adult child might still experience intense emotions, whether it’s anger, frustration, or anxiety, and they might have difficulty managing these feelings.
Example Challenge: A minor disagreement with a roommate might escalate into a major conflict because your child struggles to keep their emotions in check. Or they may feel overwhelmed by stress at work, leading to an emotional outburst or a decision to quit impulsively.
Your Role: Teach and model healthy emotional regulation strategies, such as deep breathing, mindfulness, or taking a break when emotions run high. Let them know it’s okay to ask for help when they’re feeling overwhelmed. Reinforce that seeking therapy or counseling is not a sign of weakness but a proactive step towards better mental health.
4. Independence Doesn’t Mean Isolation
It’s easy to assume that once your child moves out, they’re fully independent and should be able to handle everything on their own. However, adult children with ADHD may still need a strong support network to thrive, even if they are living independently.
Example Challenge: Your child might struggle with loneliness or feel isolated, especially if they’re not great at maintaining social connections. They might also hesitate to ask for help, fearing that it would disappoint you or make them seem less capable.
Your Role: Maintain regular contact and remind them that needing support is completely normal. Encourage them to build a network of friends, mentors, or even ADHD support groups. Offer to help them find resources, whether it’s a local community group or online forums where they can connect with others who understand their experiences.
5. Balancing Support and Independence
One of the trickiest parts of parenting an adult child with ADHD is finding that sweet spot between being supportive and letting them take the reins of their life. You want to help, but you don’t want to hover or enable behaviors that might hold them back.
Example Challenge: Your child might be facing challenges that you could easily fix, like managing their finances or organizing their living space. It’s tempting to step in and handle things, but this could undermine their growth and self-confidence.
Your Role: Focus on empowerment rather than control. Instead of fixing problems for them, guide them in finding their own solutions. If they’re struggling with budgeting, for instance, you could suggest meeting with a financial advisor together, rather than doing it all for them. If they ask for advice on a problem, offer it, but make sure they’re the one taking the next steps.
Parenting Shifts
Now that your ADHD child is living independently, your role as a parent evolves. You’re no longer the manager of their life but more of a consultant. This can be a hard transition, especially when you see them making mistakes or struggling. It's so tempting to jump in and help or rescue them before they make the big misstep. But what does that signal to them? We don't want them thinking we don't believe in them or think they aren't capable.
The key is to maintain open lines of communication. Let them know you’re there for them, but resist the urge to take over. It’s essential to trust that they can and will figure things out—even if it takes a few tries. When they come to you with problems, listen first. Ask questions that help them think through their options rather than immediately offering solutions.
Also, be mindful of the language you use. Phrases like “You should…” or “If I were you…” can come across as directive, which might make them feel like you don’t trust their judgment. Instead, try saying things like, “Have you considered…” or “What do you think about…” to keep the conversation collaborative.
Another important aspect is respecting their boundaries. Just because they have ADHD doesn’t mean they’re not capable of making decisions. Trusting them to handle their affairs is crucial for their growth. If they make a mistake, be there to support them, not to say, “I told you so.”
At the same time, don’t be afraid to set boundaries of your own. It’s okay to say no if they’re asking too much of you or if you feel they need to handle something on their own. There is a fine line between helping and enabling our kids. It's better to err on the side of helping later--have them attempt to do things themselves. Boundaries are not about being cold or unloving—it’s about helping them learn to navigate the world independently.
Finally, celebrate their successes, no matter how small. Living with ADHD is challenging, and your child’s victories, whether it’s landing a job, maintaining an apartment, or simply managing a tough week, deserve recognition. Your encouragement can go a long way in helping them build confidence and resilience.
In the end, the journey of parenting an adult child with ADHD is about learning and growing together. It’s about letting go, but not completely. It’s about being there, but not always. And most importantly, it’s about loving them through the ups and downs, just as you always have. If you could use some guidance, book a free call with me! https://www.parentinginreallife.org/services
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