Siblings share a unique bond that often lasts a lifetime, providing love, companionship, rivalry, and support. But when one child has ADHD and the other is neurotypical, the dynamics are often more complex. These siblings may experience a mix of strong, supportive connections and also challenging conflicts. It’s essential to understand both sides of this dynamic, the reasons behind the tension, and how we parents can nurture a healthy relationship between their children.
The Bond Between ADHD and Neurotypical Siblings
At their core, siblings with ADHD and neurotypical children share the same desires for love, connection, and fun. ADHD may affect how the child behaves, processes information, and interacts with the world, but the sibling relationship can still thrive with some guidance and a good dose of understanding.
1. Learning Empathy and Patience
Neurotypical siblings can develop deep empathy and patience as they witness firsthand the challenges their sibling with ADHD faces. They may come to understand that their sibling’s impulsive behavior, difficulty with focus, and emotional intensity aren’t intentional but part of their neurodivergent experience. It may take a bit of maturity, but this empathy can foster a bond built on support and compassion, helping siblings to develop strong, enduring relationships.
2. Protective Instincts
The neurotypical sibling might develop a strong protective instinct for their sibling with ADHD. They could advocate for them when others don’t understand or when their sibling faces challenges at school or in social situations. This instinct can bring the siblings closer, as the neurotypical child feels a sense of responsibility and love toward their sibling.
3. Shared Experiences
Although the ADHD child might face challenges that others don’t, both siblings share a household, parents, and a family dynamic. This shared experience can help to bond them as they both navigate family routines, rules, and celebrations together. Their shared memories, both positive and negative, can create a foundation for a lasting sibling connection.
The Conflicts Between ADHD and Neurotypical Siblings
While there are many opportunities for connection, conflicts are inevitable. ADHD can lead to impulsivity, emotional dysregulation, and difficulty with self-control—traits that may make it harder for the child to follow family rules, communicate effectively, and interact appropriately with siblings. For the neurotypical child, this can feel confusing, frustrating, and even hurtful. And let's not forget chaotic.
1. Imbalance in Parental Attention
One of the most common struggles for the neurotypical sibling is feeling neglected or overlooked. Children with ADHD often require more attention from parents due to their behavioral challenges. The neurotypical child may feel that their own needs for attention, validation, and support are not being met. They may also feel resentful if the ADHD child receives more support or leniency, especially in moments of frustration.
2. Embarrassment and Social Strain
Neurotypical children may feel embarrassed or uncomfortable about their sibling’s behaviors, particularly in public or social settings. For example, the ADHD child might struggle with controlling impulses, blurting out inappropriate comments, or acting impulsively in front of peers. This can make the neurotypical sibling feel self-conscious, either because they fear being judged or are caught in an awkward or uncomfortable situation. The neurotypical kid may not want to have friends over or may be embarrassed to do so. They may become hypervigilant, always worried that their sister will have an unexpected meltdown.
3. Conflict Over Boundaries
Children with ADHD may have difficulty respecting personal space and boundaries. They might frequently invade the neurotypical sibling’s personal area, take their things without asking or interrupt conversations. This lack of understanding about personal boundaries can cause significant conflict, making the neurotypical child feel disrespected or hurt.
4. Jealousy and Resentment
In households where ADHD symptoms are more pronounced, neurotypical children might develop feelings of jealousy or resentment. This can happen when they perceive that their sibling’s needs are prioritized, whether it’s because of extra time spent with the ADHD child or because of the emotional energy their parents must dedicate to managing ADHD-related challenges. This jealousy can be further fueled if the neurotypical sibling feels like they must “pick up the slack” at home, taking on more responsibility than feels fair.
What Parents Need to Watch Out For
As a parent of children with different neurological profiles, it’s essential to be mindful of the subtle and not-so-subtle ways that conflict and imbalance can affect the family dynamic. Here are some things to watch out for:
1. Resentment Building Over Time
If the neurotypical child constantly feels like their sibling is getting more attention or is being treated more leniently, resentment can build up over time. This can strain the sibling relationship and contribute to a lack of cooperation, increasing the overall tension in the household. Parents need to ensure that the neurotypical sibling doesn’t feel like they’re being left out or underappreciated.
2. Uneven Parental Energy
Parents may naturally focus more on the child with ADHD, especially when the ADHD symptoms are more intense or disruptive. However, it’s crucial that the neurotypical sibling does not feel emotionally neglected or that their challenges are being overlooked. This can lead to a sense of emotional withdrawal and even behavioral issues in the neurotypical child.
3. Negative Sibling Interaction Becoming the Norm
Conflicts between siblings can escalate, especially if there is a lack of understanding or coping strategies. Without intervention, the sibling relationship may turn more negative than positive, with regular fighting, arguing, and emotional distance. This pattern can last well into adolescence and adulthood if not addressed early on.
4. Social Isolation or Peer Strain
The neurotypical child might begin to distance themselves from their ADHD sibling, especially if they face judgment from peers or feel embarrassed by their sibling’s behavior. Over time, this can lead to isolation for both children—one feeling unsupported at home and the other feeling rejected or misunderstood by their peers.
Ways to Mitigate the Neurotypical Child’s Feelings of Embarrassment and Neglect
So, how can parents create an environment that nurtures both children’s needs and helps prevent feelings of neglect and embarrassment from festering? Here are some strategies:
1. Ensure Equal Attention
Parents need to work consciously to ensure that both children receive equal attention. This doesn’t mean that the time spent with each child has to be identical, but parents should strive to give undivided attention to the neurotypical child, especially during one-on-one moments. Regularly check in with them emotionally to ensure they feel heard and supported.
2. Normalize ADHD
Educate both children about ADHD. Explain that the sibling with ADHD may face challenges that affect their behavior, but that doesn’t mean they’re any less loved or valued. Teaching the neurotypical child to see ADHD as just one part of their sibling’s personality can help reduce feelings of embarrassment and alienation.
3. Create a Safe Space for Feelings
Encourage open conversations where both siblings can express their frustrations and feelings in a safe, non-judgmental space. This helps prevent emotions from boiling over and provides an opportunity to address any issues before they become bigger problems. Parents should validate the neurotypical child’s feelings and reassure them that their emotions are equally important.
4. Promote Positive Sibling Interaction
Encourage and facilitate activities where both siblings can engage with each other positively. This can be through shared hobbies, playtime, or even volunteer projects. These positive interactions can help strengthen the bond and create more opportunities for cooperation and understanding.
5. Set Clear Boundaries and Expectations
Teach both children clear boundaries and expectations for respect and behavior. The child with ADHD may need more direct and frequent reminders to help them understand appropriate behavior, while neurotypical children can learn how to stand up for themselves in a respectful manner. Both children should know what is acceptable and what is not.
6. Celebrate Both Children’s Strengths
Each child brings unique strengths to the family. Parents can encourage the neurotypical child to take pride in their individual talents and contributions. Meanwhile, they can highlight the strengths of the child with ADHD, emphasizing their creativity, energy, and passion. By focusing on each child’s positive qualities, parents can help foster a sense of mutual respect.
So yes, siblings with ADHD and neurotypical siblings face unique challenges, but they also have the potential for an incredibly strong and rewarding bond. Parents can play a crucial role in helping both children navigate the complexities of their relationship. By fostering empathy, teaching conflict resolution, and ensuring that both children feel seen and heard, parents can help create a harmonious family dynamic where both siblings can thrive—together.
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